Suffocating

Suffocating

I can hardly breathe.

I'm suffocating.

I've been debating whether or not to end this.

Feeling hopeless is not a quality I possess.

And yet

I want to just disappear

Now let's be perfectly clear

I don't want to end my life

But I can’t say I’m happy in this place I'm in.

This place that I’ve been

Many times before

I’m sure I’ll survive

If I strive and accept the greatness that is due me.

But for now I'll just write

Until what feels wrong feels right

My fingers know my pain too well

Write me out of this spell

Anybody want to buy a heart?

I throw a penny in a wishing well

And pray my dreams come true,

That one day I'll awake anew.

Rejuvenated and refreshed ready to take another forward step.

It's the only plan for me.

So when I'm ready to admit it

I'll submit me to it

And then I'll be free

To breathe, not suffocating.

Before the Christmas merchandise was out of the stores, there was already red and pink splattered everywhere to start the Valentine's Day influx. Teddy bears and chocolate and cards that expressed your love for someone. I rolled my eyes every time I passed the isle. Lol. I found myself bad mouthing V-Day like it had everything to do with me being single still. I only hated it because I wanted it so badly and never really had it. It was never enough to have me give up on love, though. I was just annoyed with how eveyone else had it being expressed to them and not to me.

I have decided to not be petty this year and still look forward to being good to myself, like I have been trying to do since last year. I thought maybe I would buy myself flowers like I have been. I realized that it didnt matter whether it was Valentine's Day or any other day that I still needed to love myself and not find myself suffocating in the exposure of everyone else's love. Not to mention, you never know what happens behind closed doors so you should never envy another person's relationship anyway.

So I will no longer dwell on the past feelings that lead me to write the poem "Suffocating." I will continue to look forward to my life with someone and maybe we wont even care about V-Day but show each other on random days of the year!

#love #valentinesday

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